


injuries to insults

by piss_n_moan (orphan_account)



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bad Puns, Banter, Dirty Jokes, Drabble, Drabble Collection, Language, M/M, Marvel Universe, Minor Violence, One Shot Collection, Title Subject to Change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-10
Updated: 2018-02-10
Packaged: 2019-03-16 04:28:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13628595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/piss_n_moan
Summary: A series of drabbles and one-shots exploring the greatest hits of Marvel's Mouthiest.





	injuries to insults

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deadpool's choice of lunch bowels over Spider-Man.

“You can’t be serious.”

"A guy’s gotta go when a guy downs five ghost pepper burritos."

Spider-Man shakes his head, both as a hard _No_ and to clear his nose of the stench. Deadpool makes a high-pitched sigh and snatches an empty Taco Bell bag tossed on the ground. The words, _Live Mas_ , is dilapidated by grease stains and dumpster juice. “Fine. I’ll give this guy a second use.”

Spider-Man pales behind his mask.

“I’ve got a lot of repressed shit and not a lot of decency, Spidey. I would say, ‘Avert thy eyes’, but it’s really the smell—”

Hands immediately wave in front of Deadpool’s face and Spider-Man’s voice comes out as a frantic squeak. “Okay, okay. Hold it. There’s a McDonald’s just around the corner.”

“Eh,” Deadpool shrugs and Spider-Man thinks it’s a little too casual for someone whose lower half is mere seconds away from erupting like Mount Vesuvianus. “The folks over there don’t like me very much. Something to do with me waving a gun around that one time.”

Mustering all the muscles around his jaw, Spider-Man wills himself not to scream at the almost-defecating man. He is about to kick Deadpool in the ass, but a fresh waft of rear-end woes stops him from making a huge mistake.

“For God’s sake, go,” he hisses, “Or would you prefer Starbucks?”

“Their bathroom is basically a Tall and let me ya," Deadpool beckons with a sly finger, "it ain't gonna hold the Trenta I'm bringing in.”

The visual hits Spider-Man a little harder than it should and he gags. Between them, the airborne reminder of Deadpool's erratic diet lingers. It had only been a half hour into their nightly patrol and already Spider-Man is facing a new supervillain—ghost pepper. Maybe the mercenary has a heart, because the man says, "Alright. White Castle." Then he adds, "Always wanted to shit among royalty."

Spider-Man breathes in through a gate of teeth. "Just promise me you won't turn it into Brown Castle."

Deadpool stretches the edges of his mask with a visible grin and barks a full laugh, head snapping back in a curt improvisation of a nod. “Be back before you can say, ‘Turd down for what.’”

It isn't until Deadpool has floundered the length of the alleyway that Spider-Man hollers after him, "Next time you want to crap your pants, go to Chipotle's." 

**Author's Note:**

> [I draw, too!](http://theannster.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Have a prompt? [Send away!](http://theannster.tumblr.com/ask)


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